It’s now 2016 and reflecting back to 2015, it was a year of change and self awareness. Little did I know that 2015 would be a year of life long lessons. Back in May 2015, I turned 63 and was so unhappy with the way my life was going. The only person that could change my life was me. I made a decision that I need to change my life,learn new things and stop living in fear. You can’t run from youself but you can stay in the moment and just live it. I had a lot to think about.
My mind was in a place where it was stuck without a way out of the life I created for myself. I had no zest for life and could not shake off the self inflected depression I created. Yes, I was in a better then where I just came from. A few year back I lost my film studio and I was lost. The losing of the studio broke me down and I was not the person that I use to be. I felt that I would never be happy again.
After I losing the studio everything I owned was put in storage. I brought one suitcase to my daughters home filled with clothes and my computer. Feeling like I had everything taken from me including my freedom to be me I was at a lost. When you live with others you have to respect its their home and try not to shake the boat. Being a very independent person it was hard on my loving daughter and myself.
After sometime I took a job managing an apartment building because I had live somewhere. I need a place I could call home. But alas it did not make me happy and I was hibernating and stopped doing things that I did before. I was indeed not the person that I once was. She was gone off her licking her wounds and trying to heal her mind, body and most of all her soul. I need to once again light the spark that lit the flame of life again. But where would one start as I had to think out of the box.
In July to decided that a change was needed and gave away most of my things and put what I really wanted as far as my things in storage once again. I bought two new suitcases and packed them and left my home that was also my job. I was never going to look back and judge myself by what I had but was going to learn how to stay in the moment of life. I wanted to buy an RV and travel and see where that would take me.
July change my life as I got on an airplane and went home to see my father before my big adventure. My first day back in Michigan change who I thought I was. My father was living alone at the age of 93 and to everyone he seemed to be OK. I knew the first day something was not right. He had full blowing Alzheimer, dementia and sun-downers and by staying with him 24 hours a day I got to see how he really was. He was OK when my siblings would come by to check on him but when he was alone it was a different story.
My first 3 weeks with him we laughed, cried and it was amazing as I got to spend the most amazing time of my life. It was so healing for me and for him. We would watch old movies holding each others hands and I would put on Youtube and he would sing songs that he knew. He was melting my heart with his funny jokes but I knew he was not going get better.
The third week he was put into the hospital and then rehab because he kept falling. 7 weeks later as we watching him fight with all of us that he wanted to go home was hard to watch. When he would talk to people that we did not see or repeat things 30 times we knew that he was at a place of no return and would never return home.
My father taught me lessons during this time and they were. We are going to die someday and if we get to live as long as he has you will not even remember your children at times. He had moments when he was aware and moments that he was so gone. He was then put into a 24 hour assisted care living home and he would never set foot in his home again. My heart broke for him and there was nothing I could do. Doing the night shift was breaking me down with living on no sleep I knew I need to go home back to my daughter.
While in Michigan I reconnect with two of my amazing friends from high school Debbie and Pat. They were so full of life and happy and so kind to me. It was nice getting hugs from friends that have known me for so many years and know that we will be friends forever. I told them my plans to buy an RV and travel and they were excited for me. I promised to come and get them in the summer of 2016 and to go out on the grid with them. They will never be forgotten for the kindness they have shown me.
I flew back to Los Angeles for two weeks and then to San Francisco to visit my dear friend Heather for two weeks. I need rest after taking care of my dad and at Heather’s it was the right choice. Loved my time with Heather and I was healing my soul and happy once again. Amazing when you get to see friends how healing it for you. Heather knew me better then I knew myself and has always been there for me as she was my soul sister. She got my wacky sense of humor and knew all my secrets and she has all my trust. We could just sit in silence and were at peace. She healed my soul and my soul need so much healing after the hard few years and dealing with the knowledge that my father was not going to be long for this earth. I need to find peace and joy once again in my life.
Returning back to Los Angeles and staying at my daughter once again she took me to the airport and I flew to Phoenix Arizona to see my friends Gift and Peter. I was going to stay their for two months and heal my broken soul. I knew, I would find myself there with them and I was well on the road of self awareness.
We talked about me this city girl going out on the grid and living full time in an RV. I would laugh and say to them what about snakes, tarantulas and scorpions. I can’t do this, I was living in fear. In my 63 years I have never been out in the country on my own or even camping of any sorts. I have lived in the Detroit area of Michigan and then in Los Angeles my whole life. How was I going to do this. The fear overwhelmed me and took me a very dark place but I knew I had to face this.
While I was in AZ at Gifts and Peter I was able to be myself and just be. I sat outside in their backyard healing. We built a stone medicine wheel with rocks outside and watch the New Moon. I bought Chrystal’s from a shop and did a chakra treatment on myself. Listen to meditations on my Iphone. My soul was feeling the healing. I started to do the “ I am” everyday. I was on the road to recovery. Gift and Peter like all my friends were very supportive about me doing the RV full time living.
The 3rd week out there they took me off the grid camping in a tent. The first day I was so scared of my own shadow and did not know what to do with out internet and my cell phone. The second day I did not want to leave I just wanted to stay there forever. I was hooked and thought I can do this. Really, I can do this off the grid thing. That’s all I thought about as we drove back to my friends home in Mesa. I was excited to get out on the road and have an adventure.
The next day I was in a state of such bliss till I got a phone call from my sister. My father was in the hospital and his liver was failing. I need to come home quick and got on the first plan and flew home to Michigan. I was taking to the hospital and spent the night next to my father. The next day they moved him back to his assistance living home in hospice. We were told he had a few days to live. My daughter flew in and stayed with me as we took the night shift. The night shifts were the hardest because his sun-downers would take affect and he would not be quite himself. When my daughter walked in the first time he did not remember her. He slept a few hours and woke up and look at my daughter and said “ OH, Babette, you came to see me from California over and over again. The tears welled up in her eyes as she look loving at my father.
After two weeks my daughter had to leave to go back to home as he was hanging on. She got to see the best of him and the worst but he never lost his sense of humor. The one moment that will be imprinted in my heart was her on her knees holding his hand as they both just stared at each-other with love in their eyes and hearts. My daughter is an amazing kind grown woman of such love and compassion. I was so proud of how she was this my dad and the love she gave him and I. Sleeping in chairs for two weeks and I never heard her complain once. She was there to support me her mom. The day she left we both cried at the airport but we knew she did as much as she could. She was able to say goodbye to her grandfather and was at peace with it all.
My brother started doing the night shift with me and it was now 3 and ½ weeks that my dad was holding on. He had not eaten for or drank for 8 days. One night he tried to get out bed and I healed him down and said in his ear. Dad, I wish I could just pick you up and take you down the stairs and put you in the car and take you home. But, I can’t and it’s breaking my heart. I love you so much dad, I’m so sorry you can’t go home. He looked at me and smiled then shut his eyes. He knew he was safe and never opened his eyes or talked after that night.
Two nights later I was there alone as taking the night shift was taking a toll on my brother. It was the first snow fall of the season and the city was covered with snow One of the nurses came in and sat down with me at 2:30 in the morning. She was surprised to see my dad still alive and said “he is a fighter”. It made me smile as I looked the shell of a man that he use to be. He was my hero and was always there for me. She said “ Melody, he will not go if your here. He wants to spend every moment he can with you”. I looked at her and knew what she was saying.
She got up and left and stood at my fathers side as my niece walked in with a friend. I decided I was going to go back to my dads house. I leaned over my father and said. I love you dad and you can go now mom is waiting and we will all be OK you don’t have to stay here dad it’s OK. I started to cry and kissed him on his forehead and l left.
At 5 AM my sister called and my dad died some where between 4:30 and 5:00 Am. Thank God my niece and her friend were a sleep and the nurse found him. They got my niece and her friend out before they could see him. I went back to the hospice as my family gather around him. He was still warm when I kissed him once again on his forehead and walked out of the room. I knew deep down inside my heart that he was in a better place and was at peace.
Nothing in the the world can perpair you for this moment. His was funeral was the day before Thanksgiving and I give his eulogy. The eulogy was directed toward his grandchildren and great grandchildren. I shared stories of the man that we all loved and knew. I could see the tears and hear the laughter from the family and friends that were present in the room. I could feel him and my mom there watching. At the cemetery we seat and listen to the 21 gun salute and said our good bye to such an amazing soul my father who was still teaching us all about love and life though his passing. He was all of ours hero and will be dearly missed. When I think about him I imagine him and my mom dancing, singing and holding hands in heaven and they are happy. That image give me peace and heals the lost of someone I loved so much.
I fly back to Los Angeles on Thanksgiving and made it in time for dinner with my daughter and her husband and our California family. I sat in silence around the dinner table just looking at how happy my daughter was with her husband. I was home and was loved. I knew I would be changing my life forever and I was going to live my dream.
My dream is to find me and by buying an RV and getting out to unknown places is where I need to go. I will always have a home with my daughter but for now I must go on this adventure and find my true self and get over the fear of it. With my dads passing he taught me to be happy and live your life to the fullest and never give up on yourself or your dreams and never let fear stop you.
I leave next week to go back to AZ to Gift and Peters place and our friend Reb is going to help me find an RV. My journey begins as I stay in the moment of life. What have I learned in 2015 is my journey and adventure started a long time ago and what will be, will be. Life your life to the fullest and enjoy each moment. Do not dwell in the past or focus on the future and stay in the moment. You were where you are suppose to be or else you would not be here in this time or place. The universe has plans for you if you just show up for life. It’s pretty simple really as you learn the lessons of life. Each one of our roads are different but they all take us to the same place and that is knowing ones self……..
Walk in peace, love and joy.
Grey Hair Lady….